[insert your life here]

I am giving up several things this month. The tradition is to forgo sweets: those have little hold on me. Instead God placed it upon my heart to waive MSN messenger. It was rather depressing blocking all the little green men whom I love talking with. They were like no smoking signs except they said:

no carly (10 days...)
no Jenny
no Mom
no muck
no purple monkey
no Sarah.....

It's only for a few weeks... and there are other ways to communicate.

There's subtraction, what of addition? I have already mentioned it before: 15-20 minutes in silence and communion with God. Since I find light rather distracting I wait for the still of the midnight hour on campus then steal away to the pond (scum free for 2 months!). The pond is an ideal location for two reasons: one, it's right by the security shack, and two, the serenity of the pond and the amazing view of the sky.

Last night God told me of one more area to subtract from my life for the time of Lent. Though I won't tell you plainly of this, it's something closer to my heart than the stars and the ocean. But till Easter it's time to refocus on God and listen attentively for His voice in all the subdivisions of my life.

leah.

disclaimer for raw material:

While most of the pieces I write speak to my current state others are simply reflections or stories. Inspiration comes from various lots in life and aren't always as personal as they seem. Create your own meaning, make it your own. It's more fun that way. enjoy.

Today I found a piece of my old self I want to keep. I was sitting in my room writing (which seems to be all I ever do these days, isn't that great?) the words God was pouring through me were coming together so well and I couldn't help but just smile and laugh. Laughter spawned by simple happiness has been scarce in my day for awhile. It felt so good. And even though the sidelines are frayed in some areas of my life God has given me peace that He loves to give. I pulled out a note I left for myself in the pocket of my scarf (yes, my scarf has a pocket; two of them!): Caithream Eadar Aibheis. For those not well versed in Latin (I think it was Latin?) here's a translation: joy in the pit.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

"Repentance may be a bitter, drastic pill for our sin-sick generation to take, but it is necessary if the needed spiritual healing is to be experienced. May God raise up fearless witnesses who will preach repentance until men repent and turn to the Saviour!"

the quote before COMM 200 on the doctrine of repentance.

ps: if that previous sentence makes little to no sense it is because it is 230 in the morning and I still haven't been able to write even 1/5 of my 1500 word article of which the draft is due to go over in class tomorrow afternoon.

Hey!

Today was the day! Hundreds of people aching to be RAs were seen pacing around the mail room waiting for the fateful letter to come. And it came. There are those who are ecstatic at being accepted. Those who are confused as to what to do now because they were placed on the waiting list. And there are those who are terribly disappointed at being rejected. I fit none of those categories! What does this mean? It means simply this: I ripped open my letter, didn't even bother reading it (infact I still haven't read it..). I scanned for one of two words.. "pleased" or "regret". I smiled when I read the sentence: "We regret to inform you that we do not have a position to offer you for the 2003-2004 academic year." This is so great! One door closes, another is opening.

Adrianne and I will be roomates for the fall semester. She is really excited about decorating.. I am really excited that she likes good music. Come spring we may still be roomates or I may be rooming with 3 european students in a little Baltic nation called Lithuania. The opportunities are endless and I am so excited for what the future holds.

Trusting Him,
Leah

have you changed?

A question posed to me. One I have been mulling over for several months though especially the last three days. Have I changed? I hope I have.

Where once I always felt like smiling, solemnity has become my expression of choice. Perhaps "of choice" isn't the correct phrase to use here -- it's just what I have been. It's not like I have forgotten the amazing joy God has blessed us all with: I am simply appreciating it in a new way. Yes, this new way has a wealth of struggles -- to which I was happily oblivious in the past -- and sometimes I feel like a rain cloud is chasing me around campus but my battle cry remains, "The Joy of the Lord is my strength!" And there is sunshine in that.

Solitude. There is beauty in simply spending time alone with God. Last night it was overlooking the forest, tonight I ran to the gazebo by the pond. A gentle rain falling on your face is relaxing and peaceful. Like God's own tears for our transgressions; like God's own tears for our joy. Whereas in my past I needed other people to be there, I find God is taking me from being a simple follower of His to being a follower of Him. This love of solitude is a good thing for me right now. It allows me to get away from the books and the constant noise of dorm living and be with my Father. I have been begging for Him to answer me concerning some questions piercing my heart and after tonight I feel that the beginning of resolution is near. Seek solitude! Be still before God. It's moved mountains in my life already; it's only been two days.

What else? God is revealing a little more every day...

The speech was read from a manuscript, full of jargon, and essentiallly went right over my head but some mysterious lasso rung me and is dragging me behind this high in the sky school of thought. Vision. This word can adhere to so many facets in life. It's scope is gigantic. Redemptive vision. I suppose I am just dicovering another area of my life in which I can glorify God. It's good and, if time lends itself, will be discussed more.

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up."

- G.K. Chesterton

To whom it may concern:

Tonight, after my run, I walked to the edge of a hill overlooking highway 1. A streetlight behind me cast my crouched shadow on a patch of weeping golden grass at the base of the slope. I watched the cars drive by and listened for God to give me some form of reply to questions that have been burning my mind. I hate those... questions without answers. Initially they make me furious, then they make me desperate. Ultimately, God provides understanding but the time it takes to finally hear His whisper is tortuous and seemingly unbearable. Still He brings me through and I have faith that He will bring me through this time as well. What questions are burning in my mind right now? Mainly questions pertaining to some relationships I have. Am I supposed to be hurt? I realize there is a time for everything: joy, pain, laughter, sorrow, life, death; and relationships are subject to the law of undulation. But still, even for all the good times, the bad constantly repeats itself and that's just it! It's the same thing each time! You think I would learn or say something but I guess that is part of my question waiting to be answered. Is it even my place to say anything? Another question burning: how many times have I dismissed the issue by placing the blame on myself? Maybe that's where it belongs? I am just waiting and listening for a reply.

I am so thankful for my pastor's message on Sunday, especially with these questions branding my mind. One of the points he discussed was how Jesus demonstrates the significance of stillness in Mark 1:35 and following. I have been waiting for God to provide an answer to me in my schedule without leaving any time for Him. He can still answer me in the noise of daily life but how much more will I hear when I am quiet, in solitude, yearning after the sound of His voice -- a sweet whisper on the wind. So pray for me in this, that I will seek solitude with Him and be attentive to His voice.

Exciting news for the day: I have decided on the topic for my informative speech! I will talk for 7-8 minutes on collages! I spent several hours tonight in the school library (aside from the track on a clear night, the library is my home away from the dorm) researching collages and finding odd craft books all about gnomes! Did you know that Pablo Picasso was the inventor of the collage. He made the first in 1912, a painting called, "Still-life with Chair-Caning." I never knew there was so much history behind my favorite hobby. Research is thrilling.

Here is a quote from a random book I pulled off the shelf before COMM 200 in the library this morning, it is on the doctrine of grace: "Salvation from commencement to consummation, service from start to finish, sanctification from beginning to end are all associated with the grace of God."

Now to what the rest of the night shall hold...

be well,

Why?

simply because:
...I can't put every thought in poetic form.
...days come when my heart just needs to speak.
...there are words not of my own to be recognized.
...